each day passes by
my eyes looking in from out
sin resolutionI've come a long way in twenty-four years. My experiences are as varied as my iTunes music library, which, in case you were wondering, I'm currently listening to the Shakira album
Fijación Oral Vol. 1, which i cop'd from
El Gran Varon. The album as a whole is pretty hot -- each track has it's own unique flavor that brings out the vocal talent that she possesses, plus it features Alejandro Sanz, who is a force in himself. I think I want the second disc to see if it follows suit, of which I have no doubt.
My father is sitting outside with a beer. His current fixation is the horde of dragonflies gathered around the exterior of the house. I am positive that his interest in those will soon dim, and he will go back to watching the latest in what has become a joke within our home -- the gate that my house is outside of. It is currently malfunctioning, yet again, however this time it's actually more amusing because it continues to go up and down. Usually it's stuck in one position and completely inoperable -- today it's like an epileptic taking a seizure for itself.
Newsflash:
I was just informed that the barcode scanner for the other side of the gate is also malfunctioning, and one of the brilliant residents of our community tried to enter thru the gate that I had just mentioned having seizures. The arm of the gate fell onto the guy's windshield and broke the glass. Times can't get any better here in the state of Florida.
The phone rang, clearly as I know it's someone trying to sell me something or change my mortgage rate, I answered. On the other end was of all people, John Smith. Could you at least come up with a more interesting pseudonym? He was looking for my father -- rather than interrupt his gate-watching experience, I asked Mr. Smith what day it was. He replied Saturday, and I politely informed him that the senior Rodriguez was on his boat for the weekend. He hung up on me.
End NewsflashIn all the states I've lived in, Florida is the only state where public record is actually monitored on the regular. For instance, you get a speeding ticket on monday, by wednesday you'll receive recorded messages to get your ticket fixed or attorneys offering services to contest the ticket, by friday your mailbox is filled with the same offers for ticket relief and traffic school options. No longer is Florida where one comes to die. Florida is also the state where if you want your business broadcast and known by people who's job is to harass you via the telephone and US Postal service, it's almost guaranteed.
I know that you're more likely to read short blog posts, but I really could care less. I am going to continue to write.
Last night I was confronted by someone who could perpetually be the one, if we could ever have a conversation that didn't end in an argument. The details of our conversation I've written about before, as it always comes back to the same thing. This time I was wrong for sending him a text message in a language that is neither my first language or one that I seem to have a great deal of competence with. Of course he was clearly offended that I would send a text message in a manner such as this and rationalized my behaviour into one of two things, or perhaps even both -- performative and patronizing.
I tried to explain that neither was the case, but he seemed to get only more enraged as the conversation continued. Bear in mind, via text messages. Tone and vocalization were absent from the conversation, so actual intent and nonverbal response were lacking; things you might depend on when having a real conversation.
Finally we arrived at the crux of our conversation, by me speaking/writing in Spanish, I was exercising
white privilege. For those of you who are unaware of what white privilege he was referring, it seems that it has to do with my ability to openly try to speak Spanish when there are a multitude of Latinos, including some native Spanish speakers, who are afraid to speak the same language that I go and play with as if it were a toy.
I don't know if he's aware of it or not, but as I work in the Little Haiti Video Store, the job of communicating with the multitude of migrant workers from Mexico and Guatemala falls onto the shoulders of me and
Jesus. While I have no problem writing and reading Spanish, or at the very least attempting to read and write, I'm not quite sure how the whole concept of white privilege applies to me, because I am petrified to speak. I know that I don't have a mastery of the language, and because of this, I usually shy away, but I also know that their mastery of English is even less, so I try to speak anyway. More often than not, we end up understanding each other and I end up with a new customer who leaves with a movie and knows that in the future there's at least someone who's there who can help them.
I never claimed to be Latino -- people assume these things based on my circle of friends and how I carry myself. If they ask, I tell them I am Italian and Spanish. If you read the post prior to this, clearly according to the author I am Hispanic. The Scientist from the North is convinced that based on factors of colonialism, etymology and historical facts have a miniscule amount of significance when it comes to how people identify themselves. My ancestors colonized, and for all I know, I could be a distant cousin of his if one were to trace the bloodlines. Colon was from Italy, sailing on behalf of Spain. He found Puerto Rico and the conquistadores raped the Taíno indians, the indigenous people living on the island of Boriken. As tragic as that is, colonization is still going on today.
I identify as hispanic, and regardless of colonialism, will continue to identify as such. I do not understand why I have to perpetually defend myself. While I was raised in a predominantly Italian household, it was not until later in my life that I was informed of other ethnic groups that I belong to. By my embracing other aspects of my ethnic makeup, I seemed to have irritated various individuals. I do not speak Spanish to perform or patronize, but rather to learn and form a better understanding. No Spanish is not my first language, English is my first language. I was raised in the United States and I took Spanish in high school, long before I had any ties to Spain. Had I known then what I know now, I probably would have paid more attention since it wasn't spoken at home.
Let's step away from my issues of self-identification for a moment. Puerto Rico is a commonwealth of the United States, basically a state on welfare. Taxes aren't paid to to the government, and I don't believe they can vote, however they continue to be treated as if they were part of the fifty states. They can travel between their island and the mainland with no problem. What I find interesting is that there have been opportunities on the island to vote to change their status, become their own country, Puerto Rico, free of the United States, and end up like the Dominican Republic, become the 51st state of the Union, or maintain their commonwealth status. Clearly if you've been to the Dominican Republic, it's not quite the United States. And if they were to become part of the Union, then that would cause another set of issues, so they remain a Commonwealth of the United States.
In the even they became a state, would they become American? Of course they would, because they live in the State of Puerto Rico. Regardless of their Latino roots, they're now part of the bigger picture, the American picture.
What upsets me to no end is that the Scientist from the North is under the impression that I have no idea about racial struggle. When the Italians originally immigrated from Italy to the United States they were practically a subclass of citizen. They had to earn their rights and now some odd years later they get grouped into the category of white. Not for nothing, Italy was invaded by African Moors back in the day, and I'm sure the same colonization process took place as had occurred on Boriken. I am not a stranger to colonialism.
What gives him the right to go and question how I identify. It's based on what I know about my present family, my historical past and an understanding of how the two work in conjunction with my ever evolving perception of myself. I may not have had the same experiences as he has, but that does not make my experiences any less significant than his or anyone else's. For him to come and tell me that I have no right to identify as Hispanic is absurd and it's equally absurd for him to tell me that I'm exercising white privilege when I attempt to use the language in an attempt to further my understanding of it. If you or anyone else are afraid to speak Spanish, that's on you. Do not come and hate on me for trying to improve.
I was trying to be cute and romantic, I wanted to use something other than English, of which I also have an equally significant competence. I don't look at you as another Latino, a Latino who's only purpose is to satisfy a fetish, a fetish that you've created for me in your head. I was neither being performative of patronizing. If that's how you view me, then perhaps you don't understand me at all. I am not the one who's hung up on race, class and ethnicity. I identify myself as I perceive my history and how it relates to how I carry myself on a day-to-day basis. If you have a problem coming to terms with your Latinidad, then perhaps you should find another method to deal with that issue rather than tearing me down. I am comfortable living my life as I am. If you've been mislead and feel that you found a person online who's not the person that you thought they were, then perhaps you shouldn't have stereotyped me to begin with.
I have evolved over the course of my life, I don't change for people. I am an educated individual who is not ignorant of world issues or historical precedent. You can take your colonialism argument, which by the way, is a good argument, however by merely dismissing an argument based on etymology and historical trends as something that is apolitical rendering of the situation, it makes your argument the only valid argument. Regardless of what I have to say to rebut or challenge what you believe as the one truth I am only wasting my time because in your mind you're solution to the problem is the only valid one.
It's unfortunate that you're unable to see other points of view and acknowledge at the very least they have some amount of validity. I don't want to be in your Latino club, I want to live my life as the happy Hispanic that at one point I was until you came and tore my existence into nothing more than a ruse to mislead people into believing I am something I am not.
And for the record, you have no right marching for immigrant rights. As a Puerto Rican, and as a Puerto Rican with dual citizenship with Canada, you have more rights than any of these migrant workers who have risked life and limb to leave their countries of origin to make a better life for themselves. You can continue with your holier-than-thou attitude about my Hispanic heritage, but don't you dare, for an instant, think that you in any way share closer experiences to a migrant worker than you do to the experiences that I've endured during my life. Otherwise, you've got more cultural issues to deal with than I could ever concoct in my head. You toss around words like soul-mate as if it was a baseball -- you've got to learn to accept people for all they are before you can even attempt to reach that level.
I am Chulo, I am Lawrence, I am Lorenzo -- They are all Me. You can take me as a whole, or you can leave me in pieces and have nothing. You can't pick and choose which parts you like and discard those you dislike and expect the same person. I've kept it real since we met, and you've gone out of your way to tear me down. I'm the same person I was three years ago as I was the day you first e-mailed me. Don't even front.
