What'cha Gonna Do With All That Junk...

it had a year off
ralphie came to the rescue
tools that make music







Nah, I don't think that's gonna fit in my trunk... might need to put the back seat down...

Music Selection: 12 Disc Changer...

the music's back on
but we needed some him tunes
i-Tunes went to work

• Aventura -- God's Project
  
• Christina Aguilera -- Stripped
  
• Destiny's Child -- The Writings on the Wall
  
• Janet Jackson -- Janet.
  
• Kanye West -- Late Registration
  
• Luny Tunes -- Mas Flow Dos
  
• Mariah Carey -- Emancipation of Mimi
  
• MVP 2 -- Grand Slam
  
• NaS -- Illmatic
  
• N.E.R.D. -- In Search Of...
  
• Shakira -- Fijación Oral Vol. 1
  
• Weezer -- The Blue Album

An eclectic mix of music keeps the music ADD at bay... Any suggestions, drop a comment! I like new music...

The Camaro's Alive... With the Sound of Music...

only took a year
but with the stars all in line
luck was on my side

We all remember back in March of dos mil cinco I broke my leg. You recall, me falling off of Hercules' back and landing into the street like a penny falling off the top of the Empire State building, breaking my leg in two places and the black bitch emerging from the darkness screaming, "Don't get up, I'm a nurse...". Well the whole point of my tirade was that because of a broken right leg, I was unable to drive -- leaving my Camaro in the hands of those who live in my house -- for five months.

While down, the Camaro was perfect. The radio was fine, no random scratches, dirt, dust or any other malfunction. Upon receipt of my car, after my cast was removed, I noticed that it was awfully quiet in my car. It took me a moment to realise why... yes kiddies, the radio was broken. Not just the radio, but the CD player, the tilt down screen, the 12 disc in the trunk. Someone fucked my shit up and expected me not to notice because it had been so long.

Today, however, today was a good day. While at work, Ralphie was visiting me at work when Moreno came in. Moreno was talking about car audio with Ralphie, because Ralphie had spent the better part of an hour in my car trying to figure out what was wrong with my deck. Moreno asked Ralphie to install his, but it was at home, so he needed to go home and get it.

I wanted him to clock out, but because he told me he was going out to get me something, he wasn't required. I wasn't sure what I was getting... (it turned out to be croquetas de jamon), but when he returned, he also brought his new deck. Ralphie got to work and before you knew it, Moreno's stereo was done. He told Ralphie he could keep the old one.

Ralphie began the story with some random shit about going to the pawn shop to get some bucks for the car stereo that he took out of Moreno's car, when I came up with the best idea... put it it my car! Sure enough, as Ralphie had nothing else to do, he went to work.

Not but thirty minutes later, I began to hear something that I hadn't heard in over a year, the thumping of a JL Audio 12" W7. Exactly, the sub that I have in my trunk! Ralphie had managed to replace my busted deck with Moreno's old deck and it was a perfect fit. He even managed to get the 12 disc changer to work because Moreno's old deck is a Pioneer just like my broken one.

We required some spare parts to finish the job, so with Ralphie's cousin we trekked to BestBuy to pick up some Y connectors. Now I have sound in my Camaro once again. The W7 powered by a JL 500/1 and the internal components powered by a JL 300/4. I haven't heard music in my car in what seems like forever, and today, even just hearing the bass from the inside of the store, my life was filled with unconditional love and appreciation for all that Ralphie had done for me. I know I couldn't have done it on my own, I'm too busy buying other shit. But could you imagine the luck that Moreno just so happened to have an extra deck that was perfect for my needs andthat Ralphie was kind enough to install it for me in record time.

Aside from the car thing, I'm glad that Ralphie lives three blocks from my job. I enjoy seeing him practically every day. He reminds me of what I have at home, and that's something that I need at a time like this. Ever get that feeling that you're alone and no one understands? I get that with Ralphie and we help each other thru it.

Now if only I could help him find some work that pays well...

Movie Trailer: The DaVinci Code

with religious tones
the star-studded cast shines thru
casts doubt on the church



MOVIE COMES OUT 19 MAY 2006! BUY TICKETS IN ADVANCE FOR IT'S SURE TO SELL OUT!

Warning: The Catholic Church does not approve of this movie. If it's fictional findings turn out to be true, then it's quite possible Jesus was a sexual being and may indeed have had his own children, making God a grandfather... confusing, I know... but entertaining none the less!

Boot Camp... No Longer for Enlistees...

from cupertino
a plethora of ideas
shaming micro$oft

If you look closely at that photo to the side, you'll notice two important elements, the first being the Apple Dual Core Mac, the second being the Windows XP desktop. How is this seamless integration possible you wonder? Boot Camp, the latest Apple development for its Intel based Macs. The concept is simple -- instead of using VIrtual PC to emulate a PC environment on an Apple, Apple has gone one step further and created PC support on its hardware platform... and get this... it's free. All that's required of you is Windows XP with Service Pack 2, easily downloadable from your favorite software/prog zone.

Rather than emulating the PC environment, Boot Camp allows you to boot your Apple where you can chose Mac OS or Windows XP. After your choice, you computer loads that operating system with no problem. No emulation, pure hardware support. Let's say you're an Architecture student and require AutoCad, no longer are you forced into a Windows based PC. With these new Apples you can load AutoCad onto your Windows partition and then once you've finished AutoCad-ing what ever it was you were creating, export it to a mac friendly application for finishing touches.

Gamers will love it because not only is the Apple hardware of a better quality, but the software has significantly less bugs as it's based on a UNIX hybrid. Rarely does my Apple crash, and when it does, it's usually my fault. With Boot Camp and the new Mac Book Pros, there is no need to ever look at a Windows machine again. If you want maximum compatibility and the best hardware, then Apple is the way to go.

Of course there will be those that doubt the significance of this achievement, but they're also the same people that deny the Holocaust existed. This is the tipping point folks, begin the downfall of Micro$oft and the rise of Apple. Soon prices will drop, quality will remain on the up and up, and the consumer will be left scratching their heads asking aloud, "Why didn't I do this long ago?".



When you unpack your Intel Apple and realise the difference from your out date PC you'll thank me...

I'm Warm Again...

having worked all night
chills and fever take me home
sickness will not win

After a day working hard at The Little Haiti Video Store, I have finally made it home. The Mother Unit, still awake, offers to make me some food as I was slightly hungry. After kissing my head, she reached for the thermometer because she felt something only a mother could feel... the slight change in body temperature to change me from well to sick.

Sure enough, the thermometer read 101.7 degrees.

It just goes to show you that mothers are always right. Regardless, I think we need a new thermometer. Our current one is from the 18th century, and while it functions, I can complete an essay of 3-5 pages on transcendental thought much quicker. I saw a nice one at the WAL-MART website, but you all know what trash shop at the WAL-MART. Fuck, Natalie Portman had a child in the WAL-MART and named it Americus for Christ's sake! I don't want to pay twenty bucks more on amazon.com tho, twenty-five since there is no free shipping available as it's considered a "baby item". Who knew only babies got sick? While I might act like a baby from time to time, the dick and the mind are both not of child size.

I'm not even sure where this illness came from. When I say I've been the most well behaved Chulo in West Palm Beach, you had better believe it. I do think it has everything to do with the Air Conditioner. We put it on recently and it was shortly after that when I became ill. Luckily I have today (Monday) off. The Mother Unit believes that it is in my best interests to go and see Dr. Jose. Hopefully with all of his new patients he'll have time to see one of the old patients that put food on his table for some time.

Aside from my cold, a cute Puerto Rican thing walked into the video store this evening. He wanted to open an account, however he didn't have what was required. It was then that he mentioned he worked for a franchise in Puerto Rico, and with that bit of information we were able to get his old account. He removed two people, a boy and a girl, and he added another boy. There was an awful lot of eye contact which, in reality, could mean nothing. He is after all Puerto Rican and they're much friendlier than your average American, especially when it comes to non-verbal communication. I asked Moreno, my Dominican co-worker what he thought, he suggested he might be.

The kid then paid for his movie, and five minutes later returned to purchase popcorn.

I dunno if again I'm over analyzing behavior, but we made eye contact again and then I walked into the sensor device and nearly fell over when he left. He was driving some kind of 4-Runner lookin' thing, but it wasn't a 4-Runner. Regardless, it still could be considered a homo ride. He updated his address and everything; lives in West Palm Beach now. Hopefully I'll be seeing a lot more of him. Who know, maybe he gets down too.

Regardless, we're going to have to wait until we get over our illness, some color on our skin and some muscle on our bones. We've been slacking in the Chulo department, but we again blame work for that since my store manager is currently running two stores, each fifteen miles apart -- leaving me in charge with a bunch of people who barely want to come to work, let alone do anything once they've arrived. Let me stop. There are people there who get their shit done, and they know it. For their work I am truly appreciative in helping us out.

Our district manager on the other hand, he needs to help me out in paying my phone bill. If I didn't have to be calling the store ad. nauseam, I wouldn't have nearly been as many minutes over as I was this month. I faxed it to Nicole, my Human Resources Manager, hopefully she'll be able to help me out a little quicker than the DL. He takes his blessed time to get back to you when it relates to financials.

Nicole during our last conversation told me that our pay rates were being re-evaluated due to the increase in the cost of living. I think that's a great idea, especially since I don't really pay much other than my credit cards and student loan. We made our bonus at work, so I should be looking at around $300 extra bucks just for doing my job. Hopefully I'll still be around my the time the bonus pays out in May.

Ideally, I would like to get my work published. Some kind of Chulo in the City type compilation, but we all know the likelihood of that. A column in an independent newspaper where I could respond to written in questions would be the tits, but again, all of my newspaper contacts are in Rhode Island, a good twelve-odd states away along the coast.

I'm open to suggestions, feel free to drop a comment, or an e-mail at my g-mail Account. Any feedback is more than welcome considering I'm a relatively friendly person. Just make sure you identify yourself, and if possible attach a recent photo (of you), just so I know who I'm talking to.

According to My Dashboard Fortune Cookie: "Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure..."

Untitled: Circa < 1995

it came from my mind
a much earlier version
yet equally strange

[PRINTED ON A DOT MATRIX PRINTER; TEAR OFF FEED HOLE SIDES INTACT; VERBATIM]

I like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all of the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

End transcription...

His Practice Has Grown...

came from an island
longing to be a doctor
until patients call

We all remember Dr. Jose from previous discussions. He had a cute office that he shared with this Haitian woman who also practiced medicine. His wife Connie answered the phone and did blood work. There were large windows and sunlight. When you had a problem you could speak to someone quickly, often the doctor himself. It was your mom and pop doctor's office. Well that was the old Dr. Jose.

The new Dr. Jose has moved into an even larger office with more partners. His wife Connie sits at home. Morenas take blood and answer the phone... only to direct you to a voicemail box that is checked probably as frequently as I go for a vaginal pap smear test. There are few small windows and a sickly color green painted on the walls. His practice has grown and his time for personalised patient care has diminished.

(* Some of the names may or may not have been changed to protect the innocent...)

I'm sure you have read the post before this one (chronologically folks, go to the 19th), if you have not I suggest you read it. After I woke up today from my 103º fever with one slightly higher than normal, but not nearly as extreme, I noticed a voicemail on my cell phone. For the fuck of it I checked it, I thought maybe it was my boss checking up on me because she cares about me like that. No, instead it was Shaquanda*, from Dr. Jose's office suggesting that I make an appointment to come in to be seen. Her message was left at 10 in the morning.

Bear in mind folks, I called that wretched office three times the day before as I was sweating at work, seeing double, congested, trembling and with a fever. I was sent to a voice mail box each time for no one could speak to me. As they were clearly busy and my father seemed to have a similar condition two weeks before, I said why not just have him call in a Z-Pak and call it a day. Shaquanda transfered me to the "Nurse's Station" (voicemail box), because I would have to speak to one of them for something like that. I got the voice mail box and left my message. My day continued and my symptoms got worse;

At 4:45 clearly ill, and still with no response, I gave it one last try, and much to my surprise, there was no one available, and I left another message. Without recourse or advice from the doctor, I returned home from work early because of my debilitating condition.

I spent the evening (17:00 hrs) in the bed with my temperature fluctuating betweetn 104º - 101º, cold sweats and very little to eat except for aspirin and vicodin to help break the fever. I did not leave the bed all night, except for perhaps three times to go to the bathroom, all that water makes u gotta piss. I kept waking up in 2 hour intervals only to roll over onto the dry side of the bed. I swear to god I LOST ten pounds that night from sweat alone.

When 06:00 rolled around I took some Xanax to put myself down to sleep for a period of time longer than 2-3 hour blocks, as I was tired of the wake up go back to sleep thing. That worked wonderfully as I woke up around 11:15, when I finally checked the message. In a fit of rage I called them back.

Thank you for calling My Doctor, this is Leticia* how may I be of assistance?" I explained, "Well you see Laticia, I called three times yesterday afternoon trying to speak to Dr. Jose, and each time I made my way to a machine, someone finally got back to me this morning, is he available now?" She followed with, "No, he's with another patient, have your symptoms changed?" I told her, you see Leticia, I went from 103º fever to around a 99º fever. As you can tell from the sound of my voice I am still congested and feeling gross, however my mother has been taking care of me and made me chicken soup." Oh well you see, she replied, "The Dr. doesn't usually prescribe antibiotics over the phone, would you like to schedule an appointment?" I replied, "You know what Leticia, it's not even the antibiotics not being prescribed, I have plenty laying around the house, it's the fact that it took a day to get back to me when I called three times thru out the day." Again she wanted to know if i wanted to make an appointment, and it was with that that I told her, "No Leticia, I do not want to make an appointment today, I don't have a car at the moment which is why I tried to get in touch with him yesterday. Do me a favor tho, make sure you deliver the message that I'm glad his larger practice is working out for him and that he has the time to call those who were there from the beginning back when they've suddenly fallen ill. Also, if you could have him call me back that would be great"

Leticia said she would deliver the message, however I never received a phone call from Dr. Jose. Perhaps he's still with a patient. I honestly wasn't expecting a phone call back anyways. That would have been some kind of customer service miracle, a professional response to your seemingly out of the blue condition.

I'm not planning on calling back. If his practice had grown this big, I can imagine how much larger it will be tomorrow -- I might end up waiting two hours before the machine picks up. If Leticia did indeed deliver the message, then he's well aware of what he has to do. He should still have my phone number. I've been here pushing two years and it's still the same Rhode Island number it's been since 2000. I will remember this in the future tho when it comes to people who have skills that you can and can not depend on.

I can depend on the Tow Truck guy to tow ten cars over the course of an hour, but I can't depend on my Primary Care Physician to return my call in a timely manner... Ain't that some shit.

Cold and Shaking, I Had to Leave...

i went to my job
i could not stay there for long
my body broke down

Today boys and girls begins my two days off from work. While that in itself is a blessing, what isn't is that I had to leave work early because I felt like I was dying. This was the first time I had to leave work early in a long time.

I started my day as I usually did, with Chick-fil-a for breakfast and then returned to the store. By now I was seeing double in the road, and was finally glad to be off it because I was afraid I might take someone out. Once inside, I suddenly got the chills; I thought it was because I tried to fix the thermostat and I had set it too low, but as time went on, and my customers watched me shake and slur my speech like some crystal meth wack job, we knew we had a problem.

It went on like that until around noon when I felt comfortable enough to take off my GAP hoodie and try to continue with my job. Who was I kidding -- it took me two hours to empty to the drop box and get them ready for the floor, when it would usually take fifteen at the most. I locked them and activated the alarms, leaving them in stacks to be run back to the floor. Keep in mind that was today is Wednesday, and while I used to have someone working with me, today I did nor due to lack of hours.

By the time three in the afternoon rolled around, I caved and finally called M, my boss. She told me to call Tico, as Big E was already closing in the evening. I felt bad because even tho I was sick, I don't like having to call people in on their days off because we usually only get two days, Tico didn't mind tho.

When he got to the store and looked at me, he was like "What the fuck is going on with you?" By the time he arrived I sounded like a frog, was still shaking and sweating a lot. He was like go home, but I was like, let me finish FOS first, that way he could get the returns out of the way before the second shift got there. Had Tico not been able to come in, I would have been alone until six because M had scheduled the second shift for later because they had inventory that evening.

I finally left and got back on the road. No longer was I seeing double, but I was soaking wet. Driving back took a little longer than usual because of my obvious impairment, but once I returned home and got into my bed I felt a little better.

Sweating and all alone, I laid in bed until The Mother Unit arrived home to care for her sick Chulo. She looked at me in a way only a mother can look at her sick child and put the thermometer into my mouth. After a few moments the thermometer beeped and the results were astonishing... 103º. Sweating, with a fever and disoriented, I remained in my bed for the evening. Periodically someone would come to check on me to ensure I was still breathing -- it was when The Mother Unit arrived with chicken soup that I was truly happy.

After she helped me eat the chicken soup, I got into the bed and tried to get some rest. Thru the night I would wake up in a cold sweat only to fall asleep on the opposite side of the bed, the dry side of the bed. This went on until six in the morning until I took some tylenol and a sleeping aid to help with the fever and a good nights rest.

When you can see the sun rise in the sky, you know it's time for sleep...

Prescription Drugs and You...

you've seen the doctor
he gave you a sheet for drugs
clearly not enough

So after you fill your prescription and then you run out, what are you do to? Better yet, what if you've gotten over your ailment and you have a relapse? You continue going to see the doctor and ask for drugs to help you with your problem. Obviously you look like some kind of addict because you wander into the doctor's office and recommend your own course of treatment. You went to school for media, not pharmacy or medicine, so how does that work exactly? It doesn't.

That's the problem with the internet these days -- a plethora of medical knowledge for anyone who can spell their symptoms. Often times it might lead to a wrong diagnosis, but usually mine are right on... What you also find on the internet is what's known as The Online Pharmacy.

The online pharmacy is easier than tying your shoe. You fill out a small form that includes your name, address, symptoms, height and weight, check some boxes that say the information you have provided is true, and then you select the medications you'd like. After faxing your ID and some medical records to the people, a physician's assistant gives you a call to review your case, they sympathize and then approve your order.

As each online pharmacy is different, medications and consultation fees will vary. Some will offer refills on the medication that you have been provided while others will require you to consult again. Keep in mind, more often than not these prescriptions are controlled substances that often carry no refills and require you to see your doctor again, so while more costly, the convenience is definitely something to think about.

Most take credit cards while others ship COD. I feel more secure with sites that use credit cards because in the event of misrepresentation of goods or poor quality, while you can't return them, you can dispute the charges very easily. With COD you have three options, well two in reality. COD means Collect On Delivery. You can't pay with cash, so you need a check or a money order. Money orders are nothing more that going to the post office or gas station or whatever and giving them money to put on a check-like monetary instrument. Keep in mind, there's no real link to the money order to yourself, so it's virtually impossible to contest something like that. Another option is a personal check, but those might as well be Monopoly money these days. Personal checks are a joke, they bounce more than a basketball. The third option, most costly, but quite desirable, a cashier's check from your bank account to the online pharmacy. With this option, the money is taken right away, so there is no check clearing time period, but it also has the security of the stop payment option.

The debate over online pharmacies is still raging on because people are using them to acquire controlled substances that are often linked to abuse. Those substances the real doctor is less likely to prescribe, or prescribe in a very limited amount. Regardless of your opinion on online pharmacies, I'd rather have things on hand that I know are therapeutic to my needs than have to go and beg Dr. Jose for medication only for him to tell me no and then suggest some Prozac like alternative.

My online pharmacy sent me three medications:

• Soma, a Muscle Relaxer, 120 ct.
  
• Vicodin HP, a Narcotic Pain Killer, 10mg Hydrocodone/650 Tylenol, 120 ct.
  
• Xanax 2mg Bars, a Benzodiazepine used for Anxiety and Sleep, 120 ct.

While two of the three are controlled substances and can be addictive, everything has some form of addictive quality, from sex to chocolate. Moderation and discipline are paramount when self medicating. Nothing is wrong with it, just make sure you know what you're doing.

Dr. Chulo Rodriguez office, how may I direct your call?

Something That Has Not Happened in a Millennium...

rarely done alone
this was unilateral
success all around









The Bedroom of Chulo is complete... Just need someone in his bed...