until they feel comfortable
to tell you the truth
In the homo community STDs are everywhere. From HIV/AIDS to Gonorrhea... While one stays with you, and eventually causes death, others can be treated with antibiotics. What about Herpes and HPV (Genital Warts)? Granted they stay with you for some time, but is it a reason to disqualify someone who you really care about or someone you feel you might have a future with?
I'm not so sure. Granted, they're both with you forever like AIDS, but it's not a debilitating disease -- you're not going to die from herpes or a wart, are you? Sure, you want to keep yourself healthy, but at what expense? Are we to travel this world looking for the individual who is perfect in every way, shape and form? If you said yes, then I think you'll be wandering for quite some time.
A close friend told me that his potential love interest is infected with HPV. It hit him pretty hard because he was really feeling the other person. The problem that I have with the whole situation isn't the HPV, but rather the lack of compromise in the potential relationship. While it's true that they've only chatted online and hung out a few times, there was a connection -- he felt something special could develop.
His previous "boyfriend" became the power bottom, and as such my friend learned new tricks and how to adapt. But with this individual, he's backing away as if it was a tropical storm. The funny thing is that he really likes him, where as the previous individual was kinda like a friends with benefits thing. Sure he wanted more, but my friend wasn't ready.
Back to the story tho.
I had a conversation with my friend on my way to work, and he told me he didn't know what to do. He followed it with an I can't put my health at risk. I asked him if the guy had HPV on his ass, to which he replied I don't know. If I were looking for a boyfriend, I would ask all the questions I could, especially after that bombshell.
My friend told me how it could lead to intimacy problems, as he tends to bottom more, and I told him that while the guy was experiencing his HPV outbreak, the physical intimacy could come from switching sexual roles. But of course he didn't ask about the ass.
Are relationships about sexual contact? Funny, I thought it was about shared experiences and good times. Whatever tho, he's obviously made up his mind. I feel bad tho, because the kid was honest with him, and my friend came and made it such a big thing. Not that it isn't important, because it is, but of all the things to be stuck for life with, research would indicate HPV would probably be the least to worry about. While it can become cancerous, it usually happens in women due to changes in the cells in the female reproductive system. That doesn't apply. What we do know is this:
- * It doesn't kill you
- * Over 70% of the population has already been exposed to the virus, yet show no symptoms
- * While there is no cure, there are treatment options available
- * In most cases, with treatment it goes away usually within 2 years
What can you do? You get into a committed relationship and start having unprotected sex (mistake number one), and then after a period of time you develop these random bumps on your (insert whatever sex organ here). What happened to the trust and honesty? Now you have this disease, and granted, it's more of an annoyance than a debilitating disease, but you didn't have it before. You feel damaged and untouchable - will you ever find someone who will accept you... and the bumps attached to you? Who can say with any certainty. The thing to keep in mind tho is that life goes on, and you're still healthy regardless of the bumps.
Even tho the apple has some bruises, it tastes so much better...
1 comentario:
A couple of years ago, I became reacquainted with a guy I'd met while doing some community service work. He's a social worker and therapist specializing in working with LGBT communities of color. Very attractive and brilliant. In fact, the most attractive thing about him to me was his mind. We started talking, but before things got very far at all, he revealed to me that he'd contracted HIV from his partner of 7 years.
We talked a bit about dating for him. On the one hand it was a struggle to be back in the dating scene after having been with the same person for so long. And also, he had to negotitiate revealing his health status. He'd come to the point where he realized that if he liked someone and the situation stood a chance, he should tell them right off the bat. Which I definitely appreciated.
As you know, Chulo, I find romantic situations very hard. They cause me a great deal of anxiety, so to be hit with this bit of news was almost overwhelming. I did like the guy and he presented some characteristics that I don't come across in my social interactions very often (openly gay, comfortable, politics on point, smart, beautiful) and I didn't just want to pass that up without really thinking it through.
What I came to was that I really did like him. And at the point of initial flirtation, I could not have sex with him. I could not take that risk. What I told him was that I was willing to see where it went but that I could have sex with him until my feelings for him were deeper and much more significant. I could not risk my health over casual sex because there is absolutely nothing casual about HIV.
His response was that he wasn't sure that he was looking for a relationship and didn't know if he could wait for sex to see if we got that far...So we ended it.
In the case of your friend (and Chulo, can I just say what DRAMA this blog has already caused you I-Terrorist), I understand his trepidation. Because really, the question isn't Are you willing to risk your health for love? The question at this point is: Are you willing to risk your health for the POTENTIAL of love? Those are very different considerations. Because how stupid would your friend feel to go along this path, contract an incurable disease, and then the relationship doesn't work months down the road and he is left in the unenviable position of negotiating single, gay dating life with an often bumpy cock on top of everything else.
Added to this complicated matter - which you either didn't know or chose not to reveal - is that the potential lover in question has a great deal of baggage. He's essentially a domestic violence survivor who hasn't really dealt with the impact of that abuse. So it isnt as though the health issue is the only obstacle giving (y)our friend pause. Dude has to consider if he is willing to jump into a Lifetime Television for Women movie, "I Woke Up Bumpy."
No one is perfect. And we shouldn't search for PERFECT. We should, however, search for RIGHT. We shouldn't feel pressured to settle for the first cute guy that comes along just because he looks good and his major flaws aren't medically lethal.
I think if I met a hot guy who was nice and had potential to be special, but also had the capacity to be an emotional disaster, I would chill too.
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