Avalanche.

up in the mountains
screaming for all to hear you
causes snow to rush

(game snatched from www.abcarcade.com)

Up, up, up the mountain!!

Seeking.

emails are sent out
like a steady flowing stream
but the fish don't bite

As my current job hunting letters have failed to produce any kind of result, I believe a new cover letter may be in order...

August 24, 2007

Dear Human Resources:

I saw your job post on craigslist for a Junior Account Executive. Against my better judgement I send you this reply, knowing that you aren't going to email me back or call to schedule an interview. I have a Bachelor of Science from Ithaca College -- it sits at home. I majored in Television & Radio and minored in Still Photography. My major concentration was Advertising & Public Relations.

If you find the time to review my CV you will notice that I do not have any internships or marketable job experience. This is true, but I have years of activism and student government experience, I have run for public office as an endorsed candidate and was invited to Fordham University by Hector the Magic Spic to present my photographs to his group -- aside from sitting behind that computer screen avoiding this response, what have you done for your common man? Right, just as I thought, keep him down.

I have worked in many retail locations and quickly rose to management. I have great team-working skills, can follow direction, work alone and I can even shuck and jive. I have survived hurricanes and frequent air travel. I have the ability to seduce you online in hood Spanish. There has never been a new skill that I couldn't master in a short time span, so that proprietary software you're running -- I got that in the bag already.

I know you aren't interested in my CV so instead I have attached a picture of my ass. In the event that you don't wish to offer me a job, feel free to print out the picture of my ass and give it a big ol' kiss. However, if you would like to offer me a job, save that picture in a secret place and keep that in the back of your mind when it comes time for bargaining for vacation time.

Thank you for getting this far in this email and may you have a blessed day.

Sincerely,
Chulo Rodriguez, M.D.



All a man got is his balls and his word... and I don't break those for nobody...

Stupid.

i spread my legs wide
let a nigga bust in me
now he dun want me

No, I am not talking about myself in the haiku. That one is for the thousands of knocked up hoes nation-wide that continue to give birth to children who were fathered by scandalous, ratty ass, go no where, mama's boy type-a-niggas. And the best part -- the bitches gone knew that he was like that when they started to fuck around. He has two other baby's mamas (which I'll have you know, is now part of a family structure... dad, girlfriend, baby's mama...) and the stupid bitch think that because she came into the picture this motherfucker gon change? Bitch out her damn mind.

I found this new website that is quite entertaining. It's called "Don't Date Him Girl" and while some of these warnings are legit, there are countless stories of bitches who have been left high and dry with bastard children looking for child support. Whatever your objections to abortion are, hopefully you will have objections with this as well. Not only are these hoes engaging in premarital sex (also a sin), but they're not using any kind of contraceptive method (which is stupid), they see that a motherfucker already got kids that he dun support and he treats women like shit. I mean if that doesn't scream get the fuck away from a nigga right away, I don't know what does! These bitches be stuck on some low-life dick like flies to paper. I don't understand it!

Granted, some of these guys might look good -- you know, in that ghetto, baggy clothes, wanna-be-thug, cornbread eating kinda way. But when does the brain kick in and say "¡Peligro! ¡Peligro, Will Robinson!". Take some responsibility for yourselves bitches! You KNEW he was gonna bounce on you and you went and got knocked up anyway! You KNEW he ain't be supporting the other children he already has! You KNEW that there was, in no way, any kind of hope for the relationship since he was living with his mother and ain't graduate from high school or even have a car (beat down or otherwise).

What were you thinking?

Now you sit, child attached to your left titty and you lookin for yo check?! You cry, "Woe is me, that nigga ain't want me or my bastard kid!" Bitch please, stop lookin' for the nigga to turn around and give a shit -- he don't -- he's not gonna. Your stupid ass gone let him fuck you with no condom -- your stupid ass got knocked up -- your stupid ass gone AND HAD THE BASTARD CHILD -- and now, after your stupid ass gone and done all that -- your stupid ass still lookin' for the motherfuckin' deadbeat to grow up and act like he gives a shit! (Well, I'll have you know, he does not!)

It's because of dumb bitches like this that I advocate for mandatory licensing for all live births. You did not pass the test and receive a license, then you do not pass Go, collect $200 or give birth! Shit, that would curb overpopulation right there! Let these bitches be responsible for something -- responsible for taking the child preparedness exam!

Today on Oprah, we discuss how Shaqwanda gone and got knocked up after an orgy with Tyrell and his six friends he plays football with...

Fat.

as i sit at home
i grow to look more pregnant
moodiness ensues

:: dusts off keyboard ::

Day two-hundred and seventeen of Chulo's unemployment has led him to the ultimate revelation -- he has become fat. And it isn't the typical "Christmas Fat" that usually accompanies winter and holiday eating -- this is more of the "Second Trimester" fat that no self respecting individual would like to admit to having, especially outside of pregnancy. Due to the fact that I am a male, I should not be having any kind of trimester fat.

It should be interesting to note that I have learned to cook, but there is no doubt that my gratuitous use of butter and whole milk while cooking has added to the pounds that I have gained. Some would argue that I look "healthier" but we know what they're really saying -- they're saying I look fattened up. Plump. Ready for slaughter. "Healthy" is merely an adjective that is used by those who set out not to offend. It's one of those candy-coated terms -- you would find it next to "big-boned" or "special".

With the abundance of time that I have on my hands, I look out my window and see the ghetto youth of the Bronx out in the streets. I can only wonder how they maintain their body structure. They can't possibly be going to Crunch fitness every day because they're out in the streets 24/7, nor do I believe that they're well fed. Is it possible that if I can copy their dietary plans and keep up outside all day and night that I might be able to loose the pounds and have a washboard stomach. Perhaps the key to fitness includes eating platanos and hanging from the walk/don't walk signs that are attached to street poles.

You see it in the Dominican Republic too -- most of the boys got some sick bodies - all kinds of tone and cut up. They live in the jungle and swim in the rio, so I suppose that out running some feral beast while en-route to the watering hole would keep you in tip top condition. Again, it comes back to the platanos.

But aren't they starch? you're asking yourself... Yeah, they are, and that's why it makes no sense. If my stomach wouldn't object every ten minutes, I would fast for a week. I can't deal with the stomach conversations tho. I don't know what to do anymore. As I am unemployed I can't go to the gym because I can't pay for it -- once I become employed I won't have time for the gym so I won't go. Talk about a fucking paradox! What am I to do? I could always donate the fat to some kind of scientific research firm, but I don't know if I would be a suitable subject for experimentation.

Damn, I turned into the only disgusting motherfucker over the shortest period of time. I feel the need to procure drugs and go on the only diet to rid myself of this disgusting abomination that is my gut. If I could get an abortion I would. There must be something growing inside of me at an unnatural rate. It is about to break the sound barrier, that's how fast it's growing.

Anyone got a good plastic surgeon that they could refer me to... I have no health insurance so I'll have to pay them with cans...