Chulo's Road to Failure...

in a dead-end job
i find myself wondering
what's life to become

I spent the evening talking to the King of Spain about my future. He told me that I had friends that would help me out. Anyone who knows anything about Chulo knows that asking others for help is one of the hardest things that I could ever do. I don't know what it is, sounds really strange, but I can't ask others for help because I'm hard-headed and believe that I can do everything on my own.

WIth this mindset I'm bound to be stuck in Florida forever. I want to leave so bad -- there is nothing I would like more to do than get out. My student loans have the noose around my neck so I can't really save money like that and the rest of the money goes to paying off my credit card bills. I don't know what to do. I find some days are better than others, but those bad days are really bad.

I wouldn't say I'm an emotional person, but there are times when I actually cry because I am still in this state. I know I'm always whining about the same things, but nothing changes. The Mother Unit said that after the holidays we were going to sell this wretched house. She said it would be her luck that the damn thing would sell in the middle of the holiday season. No one wants that, but I don't want to be here any more than I have to.

I want to be back in New York.

It's close to everything. Ithaca, Rhode Island, Boston... even Chicago isn't that far away. All I know is that it's going to be hard for me to find love in the state of Florida because everything is far away and my parents are here. If I were to find a girl that would be one thing, but suppose I found a boy -- that wouldn't go over big. I try to stay away from as much drama as I can, but I know if I stay here that nothing good will come of it.

The only good things I've found here are my co-workers. My boss, her sister, the kids at the other stores... but we're always working, so it's rare that we have time to go out.

Another problem with leaving Florida is that Sally Mae has got me by the balls. I have very low income and a student loan payment that drains the life force from me like some kind of blood sucking leach. I don't have the income for student loans, rent, utilities and living expenses. It's so hard living life in today's society.

You go to school to earn a degree only to end up working your high school job and sixty thousand in debt. I want a job in my field, but in order to do that, I need to interview. New York isn't down the street -- it's a plane ride away. Each interview is like 200 bucks in airfare, and I barely have enough money to breathe. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it at all.

Most of my friends are there in New York -- have you ever felt alone reader? I feel alone on a daily basis. It reminds me of freshman year, trying to make friends, but there are no friends here to make. I mean, I make it sound like I have no one. I do have some friends here, but there's nothing to do like there is to do in New York. Regardless of the day, something is open at 5 in the morning in Manhattan. Here is West Palm Beach I'm lucky if I can find something to do at midnight.

Trying to make plans is hard because we're all working different hours. I end up sleeping more than I do spending time awake. It really makes me depressed. I never used to be like this. Granted, I always was a sleeper, but back in the day my store closed at 10 -- now I'm out at 12:30/1:30 on the weekends. Nothing really to do at that time, unless you plan ahead. Peter is already in Ft. Lauderdale, and we all know I don't like to drive long distances alone. So I end up at home. Me hago la paja pa la aburrimiento... Yo echo un polvo... y despues me voy a dormir.

Part of me hates my parents for doing this to me. I know it's a horrible thing to say. We had a house in Rhode Island and a house in Florida, but my greedy father wasn't satisfied. He sold them both and bought something bigger in Florida. They tell me I can go stay with one of my relatives in Rhode Island, but I know better. I can't do that -- my friends in Rhode Island have practically forgotten about me. The only people I still speak to are the Little Bird and Amando, my ex-girlfriend.

There's nothing for me in Rhode Island. I feel so fucked that it's not even funny. My friends come here and they're like Chulo, you have a wonderful home. Yeah, it's big. It was expensive. I'd rather have my friends and live in Spanish Harlem tho in a 1.200 sq. foot apartment than live in this house. I know it sounds absurd, but there is more to life than big houses and warm weather. There are hurricanes that destroy power grids and telephone services, there are rogue cops that give you tickets for switching lanes without a turn signal. I never had that in Rhode Island. The cops were in my pocket and the worst thing we had were snow storms -- and with a snow storm you retain power and hot water to shower.

Florida is the worst state to live. The people are two faced, the cost of living is the same as the north, you're just paying for different things. Who ever is perpetuating these lies need to be shot in the head. Florida for a vacation is wonderful -- you can see the sights, enjoy the warm weather, pack your bags and go home. After your vacation it's over. Unfortunately when you live here your vacation is never over, it only begins a downward spiral into depression and sadness. You'll eventually cry because you've come to the realization that you've made the wrong decision. I know; I've been there. Until then, all you can do is keep your head up and rent movies to white trash with gold all over their teeth.

I wish I could turn back time and never made it this far in my life... just stay a senior in Ithaca... forever.