Solitude.

i write this thinking
what's to become of my life
as i slowly die

After moving to New York I expected things to change. And while, for the most part, things have changed for the better, there are aspects of my life that have changed in ways I had never thought possible. Take for example this blog -- what had seemed to be the only outlet that I actually enjoyed taking part of, it has fallen to the wayside. How could this be possible you wonder? I ask myself the same thing. It isn't like my life is filled with magical and mystical adventures thru space and time, so I obviously have enough time to write a scrap or two for you to read. But honestly -- what the fuck am I doing?

Not a God damned thing.

I have no job. I call it a vacation, but to the State of New York I am a member of the unemployed. What is this strange class of people? It's basically those who sit at home each day eagerly waiting for the State to give you a measly sum of money for you to go and purchase eggs, milk, bread, or an XBOX 360. You could also pay your rent or utilities. But seriously now, who is thinking of those things when you can pre-order the latest game at Game Stop for five bucks? That's lunch at McDonalds! But seriously, ask yourself, do you need those calories or do you need Halo 3? Clearly the answer is Halo 3.

I always thought I was the leader of an illustrious nation -- The Nation of Chulo. I'm slowly beginning to realise that my nation might just be a bunch of people I know, and in my mind make out to be the closest group of friends on the face of this green Earth. Tragically, I think I'm lying to you, Reader. More importantly, I think I'm lying to myself. My nation is slowly turning into ancient Rome. A lost civilization that once dominated the planet with their technological innovations and prowess at war.

After Mrs. Peña threw us out of the brownstone in Sunset Park, Principio and I found a nice apartment in one of the hoods of the Bronx. Granted it's missing the beautiful Mexican infested, tree lined blocks of Brooklyn, but I have a kind-hearted hustler for a neighbor. If you need music cds or the latest bootleg, he's your guy! He stays with his child and his wife. She runs the corner and has the bodega owner paying her rent to run his shop. While she's a sweet crack-whore, I'm afraid to get on her bad side. Before my extended vacation, I would go to work and come home. Now I don't have to leave the apartment for much. My nation -- gone. My Nextel doesn't ring or chirp. My email box is barren, except for spam and the random whores from the Internet trying to get into my pants.

I am alone -- granted, I have Principio living with me, but I really am lonely. And it isn't like a romantic lonely, it's just a tragic course of events that has left Andrelaso in Brooklyn even tho his man lives a stop away from mine in the Bronx. It has left the King of Spain missing -- he lives around me and has a new job. He hasn't paid his phone bill in months. My parents call me and we have ten minute conversations about nothing. I try to sound happy, they try to encourage me and tell me they're proud. We all know the truth tho. I know they're counting the days before I call and beg to come home.

Principio is trying to sleep in the bed. I sit at the desk and write in the darkness that has reached out from the night and pervaded my heart. Bitter tales of solitude and loss. This week he is completing something that has been on his mind for the entire time that I've known him. I am afraid of how this is going to change the dynamic that we have. No longer will he be able to go out to the movies with me or out to dinner. He'll be home by six eating on the floor with a spoon. I'll be sitting off to the side watching everything -- more alone than I already am.

I won't front tho because I have slowly begun a spiritual evolution of my own. Unfortunately I do not have nearly the amount of monetary resources to see it to fruition. With the lack of a job and bills to pay, I am unsure of what exactly my future holds. Perhaps a white clad Chulo standing off in the distance or perhaps a dirty Chulo hitching his way back to Florida, his Eshu and Air Force Ones in his North Face pack.

I don't know what to do or where to go. I always said my friends were in New York. Now that I am here, I see shadows where bright faces used to be. Few people have seen my apartment. My heart is glad that Azteca has not forsaken me. Granted I do not see him as often as I would like, but those shared moments resonate in my soul and remind me that there are moments where my solitude is merely a ruse and greater satisfaction can be achieved. Regardless if the cat comes back the very next day or not, I still need to find a job. I could return to the Little Haiti Video Store, but who really wants to do such a thing? Returning to Florida is also out of the question -- I had a hard enough time getting this fold out couch up the stairs, let alone back to Florida.

Should I sit in the darkness wiping the clandestine tears from my eyes? Eleggua wants me to live a better life -- a life I am used to living. He said that living like this is beneath me. If this is the case Eleggua, I need to bring money into the picture -- what's going on?

Forsaken by my Nation, unemployed and alone, I leave you with this tale to ponder...

Eshu was walking down the road one day, wearing a hat that was red on one side and black on the other. Sometime after he departed, the villagers who had seen him began arguing about whether the stranger's hat was black or red. The villagers on one side of the road had only been capable of seeing the black side, and the villagers on the other side had only been capable of seeing the red half. They nearly fought over the argument, until Eshu came back and cleared the mystery, teaching the villagers about how one's perspective can alter a person's perception of reality, and that one can be easily fooled.