Remind Me What I'm Giving Thanx For...

gobble gobble bird
dry and stuffed with liquid bread
waste of table space

So I won't even touch on the fact that Thanksgiving is pretty much the White Man's continual reminder that they tricked the Indians into giving them their land, women and food. I mean it's tradition, so it must be good; rooted in American values. But then again, everything is rooted in American values if it is related to taking things that were never ours to begin with or imprisoning people who look different or have different beliefs than us. (examples, Puerto Rico & Hawaii and Japanese interment camps & Guantanamo Bay respectively)

Hooray! Pass the Turkey...

Seriously now -- I have hated Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember. The turkey has always been dry, stuffing is just gross and the whole gathering of the family to celebrate something that really has nothing to do with us is contrived. Last November my grandmother (insert best friend here) died. She would continue the Thanksgiving tradition every year sweating in the kitchen making the turkey stuffing and the turnips. If turkey wasn't gross enough the turnips definitely would do it for you.

From the time she died, all holiday spirit died with her. We had a black Thanksgiving that year and Christmas was just another day. This year the tradition continues -- another day, another nasty ass bird. Keep in mind, while Nana is no longer with us, the parentals are busy trying to make it like it was. The Father Unit came to me, placing the stuffing all up in my grill, and said, "Look, doesn't it smell like Nana's stuffing? I'm the only one on the planet who can make it like this." To which I replied, "Sure." I don't want to kill the holiday spirit, but not for nothing, for me it died a long time ago.

This year I invited The King of Spain to join my family & I for Thanksgiving dinner. We all know he's a Dominican and they're really not up on American holidays eighties music (other than Madonna) or the concept of "crumbs" but that's ok, there's always time to learn new tricks. Everything was going to be perfect -- I work until 5, pick him up at PBI and then we'd both return home to find my family waiting with a late Thanksgiving dinner. Of course the cock sucking whores that live in the state of Florida, ie: The Father Unit's Family, invited themselves to the house for dinner.

It started out when they called and invited us to partake in Thanksgiving dinner with them, however Monkey (The Mother Unit) declined as we were having guests here, and with empty words she said they were more than welcome to come here and do dinner with us. As expected they declined... As that was thought to be the end of it, we continued with the original game plan -- that is until they called up early last week and asked if they were still invited. Monkey, not about to be a Jew, said of course and with that ruined whatever sliver of a holiday we might have otherwise enjoyed.

Thanksgiving Events: Revised
08:00 Chulo Wakes Up
09:00 Chulo Arrives at Work
12:00 The Father Unit's Family Arrives
14:00 They Eat Dinner, While Chulo Works and The King of Spain is on a Plane
16:00 Fed, the Family Watch the Football Game (HOLD UP... 86 the Football Game, the TV is Broken)
16:30 Lacking Football, The Father Unit's Family Leaves, Yes -- They Chewed and Screwed
17:30 Chulo Gets The King of Spain at the Airport
18:00 Chulo & The King of Spain Arrive Home to Find Cold Left Overs
18:05 They Eat Their Microwaved Shit of a Meal
18:10 They Vomit
19:00 Unfulfilled, Chulo & The King of Spain go to Mickey D's

Does anyone else see a problem with that? Indeed, once again Chulo's being punished for some ungodly thing he's done in the past. Why is it that every time I try to do something nice, some jackass relative has to come into the picture and ruin my game? One day, and I pray it be soon, I will be lifted from this place and returned to the glory I once had -- far from sycophantic relatives who come just to eat my nasty ass turkey and far from five cent whores who troll the internet looking for ass while passing it off as looking for friends. Until that time comes, I have my wit and my Apple to guide me along the path of the righteous.

It's meeeee... I was the turkey all along... MEEEEE!!